Wishes
by Epimethiea
Summary: After the events in the Hellmouth Buffy can"t stop missing a certain someone. she just happens to write a dairy entry when someone is lisntening.
1. Chapter 1:Listening

Dear Diary,

If I could write a book about what my life has been like and what I feel it would never end. I know it has been months probably even a year and I still only think about him. Most of the time I just feel numb that the world around me isn't where I belong. It reminds me of how I felt when I was brought back from heaven the only defense is he is not here. He is the reason why I feel like this the reason I am going through the motions every day. I wake up get Dawn to school and wish that he would return and go to sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see his bright blue eyes and our hands burning up with him saying "no you don't but thanks for saying it". Everyone tells me he is happy and in heaven and I believe that but I just want him back. I don't know how everyone wants me to just get up and move on. I found out I loved him when I was just too late. I know deep down that I loved him the day he held me all night. The wonderful speech he gave about me being the one. I writing this because everyone said it would help but I don't believe them. Right now going through the mistakes I made makes me even sadder. I really don't they understand my feelings. The one person who understands the most out of all of them is Xander. I mean he did lose Anya but the difference is that they proved that they loved each other. I feel so close to him sometimes and far away others. We help each other through some of the worst moments but we mostly just have the basic understanding with each other. I was wrong to tell him I loved him that way and he understood I meant it but if he had answered truthfully he would know I would have stayed with him. Truthfully I would have stayed with him. I would have held on with all I had and never let go. He wouldn't have let me anyway though. I try every night in my nightmares to either rip it off or went with him. Every night he would say the same thing he said that day. I would wake up screaming either "SPIKE" or "YES I DO", but no one was there. No cool vampire arms wrapped around me. No soft whisper of words that would instantly calm me down. So I start sobbing hard and gasping to catch my breath. I still don't know how he stayed strong for dawn when I was gone. He did so well and I didn't even appreciate how he did that. I am so\o proud of him. He once said to me "I know you'll never love me but you treat me like a man and that's enough". I always saw him as William the man never a monster. I said he was a soulless, evil, monster who could never love because I couldn't understand how I could love him. But the one thing he didn't believe and was the truth is…

I Buffy Anne Summers Love/Loves/Loved William/Spike/The vampire with a soul that's more than human my Champion and will be my Man forever more!

What Buffy didn't know was Spike was standing outside listening to Buffy reading out loud what she wrote. When he heard my Champion he ran straight into the house and up to her room where she was crying her eyes out. The first word that came out of her since she finished her diary was…

"SPIKE"


	2. Chapter 2:The Runaway

Dear Dairy,

So last night when all hope was lost I saw him, I finally saw him. Those piercing blue eyes caught mine and my heart melted into goo. I could no longer think strait so as soon as I got up he was racing out the door. My brain couldn't comprehend what just happened. All of the hope that it was really him went out of my body at the same time. I figured out that it was just my brain playing tricks on my head. I could no longer feel anything and then my vision started to blur and everything went black.

I woke up to whimpering and begging. My vision started to unblur and I saw dawn and willow rocking me back and forth. All I could think about is telling dawn I was alright but was I, alright I mean? I couldn't figure out why my whole life went this way. Then I remembered I could never return to normal because of what I put people through. I couldn't help but start sobbing even though no tears would come out. I was dehydrated, depressed, and guilty. I tried my hardest to get up but my body gave out. Dawn and Willow got up and helped me sit up and gave me a glass of water. Dawn was so worried I had to tell her what happened. "Dawnie I need to tell you something and ask you for a favor" I said trying my hardest not to cry again. "I will do anything so please tell me what is going on I was so scared" she whimpered. "Ok what I am about to tell you is that I think spike is still alive and I need you to call angel and hand me the phone". Immediately I saw shock and pure joy cross her face and all of a sudden she got up and ran straight to the phone. When she got back she handed the phone to me. The first thing I heard out of Angel's mouth was "Buffy what's wrong are you ok" voice full of concern. "I am fine Angel but is there anything absolutely anything you're not telling me" my voice filled with accusation. There was a long pause of silence and I knew I knew he was alive. "Angel when were you going to tell me Spike was alive". And when I heard the glass drop and shatter I knew I got him. I started to laugh and then I said "Thanks Angle for the honesty but tell me where he is seriously". When Angel finally spoke he told me the one place I never thought I would hear and ran out of the house. I was running straight toward Angel's office in LA. Evil incorporated. Wolfram And Hart.

- Buffy Anne Summers!


End file.
